I’ve been a therapist long enough to know that you never know everything – especially when it comes to something like boundaries. You see, we evolve in beautiful spirals; circling back around to familiar places only to realize they and we look different. This gives us something new to learn.
So, I was intrigued when I was gifted Nedra Glover Tawwab‘s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself. I trust that when something shows up in my life I am meant to look at it. The fact the title made me a little uncomfortable told me it was definitely time to re-examine a topic I hadn’t thought about in some time.
I have worked really hard on my boundaries over my life stages. I am fiercely protective of my family time and my personal time, which continues to occasionally disappoint family and I suspect has influenced friendships. And yet, I still struggle with the fear of disappointing people and can slip into taking on too much. This is especially true when it comes to my work which I am very passionate about. So, as I read Set Boundaries, Find Peace I looked through the lens of my professional life.
And there it was on page 60. “9 Potential Reasons Why You Can’t Sufficiently Set a Boundary” which include: “you fear being mean.” That one always snags me like the fish hook of shenpa Pema Chödrön teaches. I have known for a long time that this is a very old and deeply rooted fear of mine. My experience was to set boundaries made me shitty, selfish and deemed me a bitch. This pull is not new for me. But, like most childhood wounds, seeing it at age 48 is different than even age 47.
Glover Tawwab’s book helped me see how this wound has played out in my professional life. Thinking about my fear of being mean or selfish it dawned on me ho this fear has been holding me back. The boundary I have not set is to define who I am as a leader. I have resisted defining my role or even considering myself a leader because of my fear of being seen as mean or selfish or having too much ego. My resistance to defining myself and my role was a refusal to create boundaries. As I reflect on the evolution of my business and my work, I see that this lack of definition has caused harm to myself and others. Without a boundary, I opened myself up to unhelpful criticism versus thoughtful feedback. If I am not clear about the space I inhabit as a leader anyone can assume or create a narrative. And, of course they would if I have not provided one.
So, here is the boundary I am setting and will be practicing. I will define myself, my role and my boundaries so others do not have to try to guess or be confused by what makes me me. I get to define how I work, how I play and who I strive to be.
Check out Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself. It is enlightening no matter how many years you have been working on boundaries. We always could use a refresher!